The world is a stage, but the play is badly cast. [entries|friends|calendar] thesexaphone [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

I was born with an enormous need for affection, and a terrible need to give it. [22 Nov 2019|11:29am] For attractive lips, speak words of kindness. For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people. For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry. For beautiful hair, let a child run his or her fingers through it once a day. For poise, walk with the knowledge you'll never walk alone. People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed and redeemed; never throw out anybody. Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you'll find one at the end of your arm. As you grow older you will discover that you have two hands; one for helping yourself, the other for helping others. The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair. The beauty of a woman must be seen from in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart, the place where love resides. The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mole, but true beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul. It is the caring that she lovingly gives, the passion that she knows.   26 comments|post comment

[03 Jul 2012|04:06am] Bianca Nelly Mayorga The love of my life, always. August 13 1991 - June 19 2009 post comment

## [23 Nov 2009|11:11pm] 5 Things I want to do after my exams. 1) Celebrate my birthday (which was two days before my first paper--damn you US history) 2) Go somewhere farrrrrrrrrrrr away. 3) Feel the wind in my hair/on my face/ on my skin. 4) Walk in a straight line. 5) Hang out with people who matter to me. Like you. <3 4 comments|post comment

Biting your lip while you're losing your mind [18 Oct 2009|12:39am] The world wont try to change your mind If you dont change at all. post comment

[10 Oct 2009|04:35pm] For Halloween this year, I am going to be Mia Wallace. However, most people do not know her so I am packing that idea. Also I need a cigarette permanently attached to my fingers, and that is a problem considering I do not buy cancer sticks. I love her character though and Uma Thurman + Tarantino are a lethal combination. 4 comments|post comment

Before I switched journals. [15 Jul 2009|04:41am] Its almost 5am and Im still awake thinking of the things which I should have done to avoid the confusion and vowed not to repeat the same mistake again. I have been eating these dried cranberries and drinking hot cocoa, reading short stories on the web and downloading music when I browsed Aly's old journal circa 2006 and found something written out of my state of confusion in dealing with matters related to the heart. I was so young and foolish. and yeah feriel_nad  old journal if youre interested   post comment

Flightless Bird. [03 Jul 2009|05:41am] [ music | iron and wine ]   Its a quarter past four am and my mind is drawing a blank. Blank, like the last text message you sent me. Blank like the expression on my face as I register the fact that you are gone. Sometimes I like to think that you're still somewhere tucked in a little corner on earth and touching everyone with your music and your smile. Shuffling your new Supras and checking your hair, saving every penny to get your sleeve done, your random text messages, the breathless phone calls, the tears and the hugs. You have never seen me cry, my weakness is hidden away from you because I know you see me as someone whom you can depend on and I am sorry to disappoint you right now. I am not that strong girl anymore for I am only a humble human being capable of feeling and expressing her emotions. I can still see your smile and voice everytime i fall asleep and I think thats the best part of the day. You are the positive thing in my life, because Im this being who's always full of negative energy and you have made such a great impact in the lives of so many people, its amazing. The first time I met you, you had this white shirt and a silly grin on your face. The first time we talked was in the girls bathroom at Chips, while you were doing your hair. Under the harsh lighting and the grimy stains on the bathroom tiles around us, we developed a mutual trust that I would always treasure. We became fast friends and our common topic would always be about music. Not many people share the same music taste as I do, and you are one of the few who would understand how much music means to me. We could go on, just talking about music, if time permits. When you had a talent segment in Andro hunt, we spent hours deciding on acoustic sets to be played on that day and eventually settled on a piece that bordered on mainstream music. On the days when we get lazy, we would sit across each other and sit silently, sipping on our starbucks and watch as the world passed us by. The summer heat of 2008 burned our skin but we were invincible. It was like a silent movie and we were the main actors in it. I was just glad to have finally met someone who is real. Someone who is not materialistic, calculative and quick to judge. Someone who is able to look past the cloth on my body, the uni I'm in, how much money I have in my bank account. Someone who does not bore me with politics, because you know that if I want to know something, I would read it up myself. You taught me how to dream, and tell me that if i ever want something I am capable of achieving it. You had so much energy and dreams, as you talk about the future and reducing the sheer size of the world into your little hands. You have, in a way, shaped who i would want to be in the near future and i will continue making career decisions with your words in my head. Whenever we hang out, I would feel so safe because I know you would never judge me. Right now, the world seems like a vast uncontrollable space with people constantly talking about each other and telling lies. You have taught me not to judge, not to cast any remarks on anyone because under all that makeup and clothes, each one of us is similar and what sets us apart is our feelings and thoughts. Martin Luther King had a dream and his dream became a reality as he had shaped the society today. Micheal Jackson passed away knowing that he had became a legend by defining our pop culture. All these people, including you, are a cornerstone in my life. There is always a purpose in doing something. We are only here for a short time and the reason god made us here, living and breathing on this planet is not to hate, lie or hurt each other. We have become so jaded and distracted by material life, of fame and money and the social strata, that we have become disillutioned to the main reason of why we are here in the first place. To put it simply, all of us are going to die alone and surely you would want to be remembered as someone who made a difference to your community, to your society. Our lovely Bianca has touched us with her heart, M Jackson for his music and Hepburn for her acting. We are here for a reason, we bond with people to fill our heart and time but we all die alone. However, that is only in literal terms. The world's a stage and we are merely actors playing our role, so it is entirely up to us to decide whether we want the lead or be a prop. Bianca Nelly Mayorga, you will always be a part of me, a part of us and I know you will be with me in everything that I do and believe in. Texas would always have a soft spot in my heart because of you and I will continue to do the things which we have planned to do. I know you have always looked up to me as an older sister, but during the last four months we have seen a real fighter as you struggle throught the last stages of life. I hope you are in a much happier place now, because you deserve to be. I love you, forever and always.   August 13 1991 - June 19 2009 7 comments|post comment

Heartbeats [16 May 2009|08:25pm] This is what happens when we abuse Melly's Facebook because she doesnt use the internet often. 2 comments|post comment

Coffee and TV [04 May 2009|09:44pm] [ music | Natasha Khan ich liebe dich<3! ] I have been reading everything but my exam materials, but I'll do that sooon i just had an exam today and i deserve some time off uni stuff. post comment

A sunday smile, you wore it for awhile. [03 May 2009|10:41pm] I cannot wait for this to be over, I love my music and economic geog modules but if I read anymore Reichmusikkammer I would puke my guts out. I love uni because of the certainty it brings, the central library would always have computers, the kids would walk terribly fast, and if you're late for lecture you enter silently and a certain Jamie Davidson would not approve. There is so much uncertainty for summer vacation and I do not even know where to begin. All I know is that Cass and Nindy are coming back for prom so thats major hang out time, but otherwise days are long and grey. Spring was fun because of Beijing and Manda and Simi. I miss you, and I promise Id visit you in San Francisco when you go for college. We all miss you. I do not know what to feel anymore, I keep staring at things and someone is bound to beat me up if I keep on with that. Summer is perfect for more reading, I am halfway done with revolutionary road, gonna read walden, into the wild, 1984, re-reading Mockingbird, Persuasion (yes, horrible weakness) and watch a bunch of movies. I want to be alone for a little while, I need to clear my brain. There is just too much information lately and i am trying to digest each and every one of them. Sometimes I wished that I had applied for UCLA and a few other schools, after I had gotten my results instead of just applying for a local uni cus my friends are there. Change is good and inevitable, so why didnt I do it. Why the hell did I visit LA then. Two more years, and I hope Berkeley likes me. They ahve a good programme and Im familiar with the area. Life is way way way way too short to stay in a place for too long. Way too short. Walk out that door with an intention and fulfill it. Talk to the stranger on the street, pick up a guitar and sing all the songs you've written during random nights. Smile at a child, it;d bring a warm glow to your tummy. Keep god in your thoughts all the time, know that he loves you and wants the best for you. Money is a necessary evil, if you have some to spare, give it to someone who needs it because honestly, you wont need that much to survive or to be happy. 4 comments|post comment

Society, I hope youre not lonely without me. [27 Apr 2009|09:14pm] I need something real to hold on to, something that is not sucked into this whimsical fanciful pretty little façade we have made for ourselves. In this four walled bedroom, I looked blankly. Sometimes I watch the news for evidence of life, of the brutality this world brings. Lately it has been the only thing that makes me feel again. The television screen acts as a barrier between my life and theirs. I blinked my fixated eyes and adjusted to the lamp of the living room table. My pulse still beats and I am still breathing. I am obsessed with the little evidence of life. When it leaves a trail down my skin, I want it to stretch forever. I wear it like a soldier from a war, a badge of honour on my skin gleaming against my pale skin. I cannot hear what you are saying, but when you smile, something inside me lights up and I feel a momentary giddiness. I want an intense conversation with someone who doesnt take herself seriously, I have been doing that a lot to the girl in the mirror and I think my mom disapproves of her. Oh dear. post comment

Wo waren Sie im Urlaub? [03 Apr 2009|03:06am] [ music | Crimewave ] I have to say, Beijing was mind-blowing. My housemates were crazy, MUN was the best experience ever I want to do it again, though I risk sounding like a nerd writing it here. Uni was so hectic, I had classes/lectures from 9am till 8pm today, german/music/europeanhistory/economicgeography/german. I have one music essay due, a list of German Vocab, One Social Psychology write up and one Simulation to prepare for European Studies. Deutschland, Represent! When work piles up, every little thing bothers you slightly. Well, slighty is an understatement. It takes it to a new level of annoyance. The list goes on like this : 1. I hate the beeping sound the computer terminals at Central Library makes, it sounds as though the hard drive is going to explode if you do not sign out. 2. Giggly girls whould be shot. There should be a law against girls who giggle too much. I hope the government would look into this law and implement it immediately. That, or making killing girls like that legal. I would vote for your white political party. 3. People with matchy-matchy outfits. Post-Fordism, hello? 4. The kids on "my dad is better than your dad". It makes me tear and I am not emotional. 5. Arabic music IS NOT indian music, where the hell do you come from. 6. Did you forget your pants on Tuesday? The walk of shame through central library was so EPIC. 7. The fact that a sizeable chunk of my allowance goes to the library scares me a little. 8. My phone is so epic fail, it needs more than a miracle to save itself. 9. LENT. Dont give up on me, EASTER COME SOON PLEASE. 10. Girls who bring their boyfriends around, even though they're not from Uni. Look here is my BOYFRIEND, I CANNOT LIVE WITHOUT HIM AND HE MUST LOVE ME TOO. Well, yeah maybe but keep that to yourself. This is an institution, not your backyard. What keeps me happy? 1. European History, Alyson, arriving to uni in the morning way before lecture sipping coffee and reading at some obscure part not infested with giggly girls/rowdy boys/pretentious fucks/army of ants, walking through the literature section in the library, Musicmusicmusic. Alas! Nothing gold can stay. Ciao. 1 comment|post comment

Pretty eyed, pirate smile, you'll marry a music man [16 Feb 2009|11:18pm] [ music | tiny dancer ] So my brother's watching the history channel and kept going "whoa!" at every word they say. It mildly amusing, considering the fact that he is old and huge and taller (than I am). I reckon my summer break can be spent somewhere productive, doing internship for companies instead of doing several summer jobs to fill time and wallets. I graduate in a couple of years and the future looks so bleak. Jesus freaks out in the street Handing tickets out for God Turning back she just laughs The boulevard is not that bad But oh how it feels so real Lying here with no one near Only you and you can hear me When I say softly slowly post comment

In my dreams youre alive and crying [03 Jan 2009|09:54pm] She’s my workshop. Slippery eye, out of the tribe of myself my breath finds you gone. I horrify those who stand by. I am fed. At night, alone, I marry the bed. Finger to finger, now she’s mine. She’s not too far. She’s my encounter. I beat her like a bell. I recline in the bower where you used to mount her. You borrowed me on the flowered spread. At night, alone, I marry the bed. Take for instance this night, my love, that every single couple puts together with a joint overturning, beneath, above, the abundant two on sponge and feather, kneeling and pushing, head to head. At night alone, I marry the bed. I break out of my body this way, an annoying miracle. Could I put the dream market on display? I am spread out. I crucify. My little plum is what you said. At night, alone, I marry the bed. Then my black-eyed rival came. The lady of water, rising on the beach, a piano at her fingertips, shame on her lips and a flute’s speech. And I was the knock-kneed broom instead. At night, alone, I marry the bed. She took you the way a woman takes a bargain dress off the rack and I broke the way a stone breaks. I give back your books and fishing tack. Today’s paper says that you are wed. At night, alone, I marry the bed. The boys and girls are one tonight. They unbutton blouses. They unzip flies. They take off shoes. They turn off the light. The glimmering creatures are full of lies. They are eating each other. They are overfed. At night, alone, I marry the bed. - Anne Sexton   post comment

We were fated to pretend [07 Dec 2008|11:02pm] [ music | coldplay ] When you were younger, you tend to wonder why you look a certain way. As you get older, you seem to understand why through this study of Biology in schools. However, no one really explained why you were born that way, with this certain set of parents, in this part of the world. Forget about the hard sciences, have you ever really wondered why the hell do you look a certain way. Why do you look more like your father, or mother? Or, if you are like me, neither of them. The environment we live in define ourselves, the circumstances around us changes our minds. They make us stand a little straighter, more cautious of the surroundings. You tend to conform, rather than stand out because it just seemed so much easier to blend in with society. Define society, you ask. Well, the Singapore society. However, in this modern age, the most general divide lies between the western capitalism and "other backward societies". So you are here, living in this society, with your family background and your physical attributes. They shape you as people stereotype, discriminate and thus given unequal treatment. So all these things, they make up who you are, they illustrate who you are in this world. Nonetheless, there must be some kind of purpose beyond this whole facade. Flashing neon lights distract you from the real world and getting wasted every night makes you forget about your selfish little problems which your infinitesimal mind cannot seem to comprehend. God must have put you here, in this place at this time, for a reason. You could have been born when the Japanese invaded this little island. However, you are here, all twenty years of you, living a sheltered life with food on the table and a laptop to write about this gobbledygook. You know there is some kind of purpose, but you just do not know what it is. There is so much more than getting a GPA of 4.5, a perfect set of teeth, being on the dean's list and spending cash on Marc Jacobs or  Urban Outfitters, learning four languages, etc. If you were not born this way, life would have been so much different, but god has made you this way. Are you sure he wants you to live it as such? Sometimes you feel out of place, like a character in an absurd comedy. Beckett, anyone? Searching for a purpose on life would be like waiting for Godot. It may never come. You try to be nicer to other people one day because after the lecture on Buddhism in school, you start to believe in karma. Together with the Lennon, you start to imagine about peace and happy people. You cut pictures of him out of your father's old magazines and biographies of him and began adoring him again like you did when you were 15. Maybe this is why god put me here, to make this world a better place. Or so you thought. Someone in tutorial starts to ramble about his opinion on gays and marriage and something inside you stirred. Word vomit. You cannot believe how fucking insensitive people could get. To hell with being nice to others. When you graduate, you step into the working world and turn out to be like your mother raising bratty kids like yourself. You shudder slightly at the thought of that. We get sucked into this whole labout differential trap capitalists have imposed on us, and that is the purpose of our little lives. Determined by the type of drinks we have throughout the day. To wake up and have coffee in the morning, tea in the afternoon and alcohol at night. The trip to China next year would be an eye opener, being in the once-communist country that have succumbed to the western capitalism. Well now, excuse me while I finish my Starbucks low-fat latte. Bis dann! 1 comment|post comment

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